Life In My Way

I Want To Break Free

2010-03-19T05:24:56Z

I don't know how he does it, but whenever I listen to David Gray, like I am now, it's like everything slows down and I can just chill. I really like that.

I feel like I have so much that I want to say, but in reality there's not really that much to tell. I feel like I should be talking about important things, but my blogs have become more like elaborate status updates. Oh, well. I'm not satisfied with my life status right now. I suppose you'd call it stagnant. I hate that I'm wasting my days literally doing NOTHING. I've isolated myself from most of the world, and, as much as I enjoy it, I miss all of the people that I don't cross paths with anymore, and all the stuff we used to do. I like my 'new' life, but this semester is really taking a toll on me. I'm itching for Spring so that I can finish up my classes and gt out of there. Summer is calling.
I'm pretty much set on my summer plans. I want to rent space either near the house or downtown where I can set up shop for recording. That's all that I can think about right now. I've found the thing that I love, that I'm good at, and I want so badly to set things in motion. I'm saving up and expecting some money soon for soundproofing and equipment, so I should start scoping out rent-able spaces. I really need to get back in touch with Tim so he can help me out, and I'm sure he'll want to start recording also. I think one big perk to all of this is that it gives me a chance to get back in the scene here. I'm thinking if I get a nice space, I can hold shows there too, if I'm smart about it. Apparently, there's a new venue around Flint somewhere called 'Epsilon Place', run by Nate Dell and crew. Time to put my networking skills to good use.

Rachel and I have been talking a bit recently about entertainment, and breaking out and all that. She sad that she wanted to start entering film festivals and stuff soon, which has been my goal since we started doing skits back in middle school. I felt like we used to be partners, but now everything is different. I would love to help, but it doesn't feel like my place anymore. I feel like I would be imposing on her dream. I don't know, I just still have that craving to be more than I believe I can be. Exceed my own expectations, you know?
I still plan on studying film when I move back, so maybe it won't be so bad. I suppose we have to end up as some sort of duo anyways, seeing as how each of us play off of the other better than we do with anyone else. We discovered that we've moved past moral support, and we now provide mental support for each other, haha.

So, while I'm not looking to hurtle myself into my future endeavors instantly, I'm certainly in favor of getting past this point in time where nothing changes. I guess I should try to make this time a bit more productive. I've started writing fiction and such again, but I should start songwriting as well. It would be a good outlet, but it will also give me some material to get started with when it comes time to record and all that. Yeah, I'll get right on that.

Upon My Return

2010-03-06T17:41:16Z

Chicago was fantastic, as always. We all felt kind of silly because no one wanted to just stand around looking at stuff, but we couldn't help it. It was all so foreign to us, and even in the simplest of things, we could find the beauty and grace of it. The long overdue trip was certainly worth it. We had loads of fun, and dull moments were few and far between. Now that I'm back, I have Angie's 'gold doubloons' to remind me of all the good times. Rachel doesn't get to drive on trips anymore, seeing as how she got a ticket, again. Although, that was by far the funniest part of the ride home.

Hope left for Italy yesterday, just wanted to point that out. I'm excited for her, hopefully things work out. We're going to have some interesting conversation when she gets back.

Now, back to life, I've been watching lots of Oz lately. It's actually really sad, but it's such a great show. Which reminds me, I have another idea:

Well, to start, I'm building off of someone else's idea. They want to have a guy meet a girl at a party and score a date with her, then wacky things ensue on said date. (This is where I step in) I'm thinking the guy has a secret twin, and his twin is much better at chatting up girls than he is. So, the twin steps in at crucial moments during the date, when the guy might slip up and ruin things. But after a while, the twin starts wanting to go on and live his own life, apart from rescuing his brother. So, the guy has to deal with keeping the girl on his own.

Lots of stuff to do before I go back home. I want to go see Symphony Band tonight at festival. The other two bands have received 1's, so everyone is expecting the pattern to continue. I certainly hope so, because this is definitely a rare occurrence for them.

I'm A Square Hippie Now

2010-02-26T07:53:10Z

Watching X-Files and downloading Heroes. I have the third season on my computer already, and I'm almost done with the fourth. I can't wait to watch them! I have to wait and watch them with Rachel though, I promised.

I'm housesitting this weekend for Adam & Keri, that should be interesting. It won't be hard at all, but I hope the dog doesn't mind hanging out with me. I'll have lots of time to catch up on some movie watching, so that will be nice. I should also try to see Hope and Tyler this weekend while I've got some time. I miss them both quite a bit.

I'm extremely excited for Spring Break, which is just around the corner. I'm leaving Monday to spend three wonderful days in Chicago with Rachel, Angie, and Jenni. I haven't seen thelast two in a very long time, and a reunion between all of us is long overdue. It's going to be a wild time, especially if last year's break is anything to go by; and this is in a different state! I remember swimming in the ice cold lake, beasting at scene it?, and lighting fireworks that seemingly came out of nowhere. Gosh, I'm so geeked.

fluffmonsterx @ 2010-02-19T02:49:00

2010-02-19T07:49:41Z

I was supposed to go home today, but that didn't work out. I feel bad, because Rachel's getting really bored with not having much to do around the house. In good news, I finally thought up a couple ideas for screenplays. I've got three that have potential:

The only certainty is that this one will have something to do with fanfiction. The most obvious choice would be to follow the dream of any fanfiction writer: to get your story turned into an episode of your favorite t.v. show. So, we figure we'll have a great fanfiction writer that lots of people love get to become a writer for their favorite t.v. show and live the dream. It needs to be thought out much more, but it's a start.

The next idea I had was a bit better. I'd like to make a documentary following the C-A Marching Band for an entire season. Capture the ups and downs, the spirit, and the reality of marching band as I know it. It's a subject I know so well, and it would be a lot of fun to make. Another thing I really like about it, is that it's not my story to tell, I would just be presenting it, really. I don't get to choose what happens when, and I certainly don't get to choose the ending, happy or sad.

My latest idea is by far my favorite. Today, while doing my routine blog-check for updates, I went to the beginnings of a friend's blog, in which they talked about the lack of teleiophilia in books and movies. This is another subject I know all too well, and it would make for a very interesting movie. I feel like, although it's a very personal thing to me, it would have a few universal themes in it; the most prominent one being love. So anyone could relate, and it's something that could actually be presented and accepted by a large audience.

So, there we have it. Three ideas so far, all of them with something to offer. For now, I can only hope to see any of them turn into something more than just an idea in my blog. Right now, I'm just happy that I've even come up with any ideas at all.
Stay tuned.

Heroes Get Remembered, Legends Never Die

2010-02-16T06:41:09Z

I'm getting so confused by the day, as I experience feelings that completely contradict each other. On one hand, I want everything. I want to ascend through the ranks of the entertainment industry; dabbling in both music and movies. On the other hand, though, I could care less if I lost everything right now.

I desperately want to move my life along, so that I can actually begin it. I can't wait for my first projects, the all-nighters I'll have to pull, and the people I'll get to meet and work with. I want to travel, discover new genres and techniques, become one of the best. I want to experience all that there is.
But then again, just the other day I found myself wondering why I wanted it so much. What do I need it for? Where will it take me? I'm worried that it won't be enough. Sometimes I feel like there's no point to anything that I;m working towards. I don't mean to be so cynical or morbid, because I'm not depressed or anything like that. This is just how I feel. Sometimes I just get tired of wanting. I know that, if the opportunity presented itself, I could decide to end things and not think twice; never look back. But there will always be a part of me that wants to fight for what I currently can only dream about. That part of me is what fuels those wants, and what keeps me going.

Like I said, it just doesn't make sense. I know what I want, but I don't know if it's right. I feel like I would be more certain about things, or that I should have had a plan from the start. I feel like I should know what my future is. But I wonder if that's how it's supposed to be for me. I only have a few pieces to the puzzle, and I have to fight for the rest. I have the faint idea of what I should be doing, and I have to create my own existence. Who knows? I can't just sit back and wait for something to come to me. No, I want way too much to try that approach.

My Quirk: A Drabble On The "T Word"

2010-02-11T07:00:35Z

My thoughts on the subject have been bugging me lately, so I figured that maybe talking about it would alleviate my thoughts a bit.

I know I'm not alone here, and I'm lucky enough to have friends that accept it even though they don't quite understand. Even I don't understand it sometimes. It's another one of those things in my life that is just a part of my personality that seemed to come out of nowhere. (Like the driving thing: I never had a bad experience, but I still didn't like it. For no reason at all.) I'm pretty sure that when people like me are attracted to older guys, it's supposed to mean that we had some sort of issue with our father, and we're trying to find him or replace him.

But that is not the case at all. All I know is that for as long as I can remember, once I got past the youth stages of my life and started to fancy boys, I immediately had my attention focused on older gentlemen. While all of my friends were checking 'yes or no' and holding impromptu marriges behind the playscape, I was admiring teachers from afar and recalling how I stayed up extra late just to watch my favorite actors, twice my age, in prime-time.

I'm not sure what I'm after. I think I just want to know what brought this about. I don't really think that it's adversely affecting my life, unless you count the fact that I've pretty much rejected the prospect of dating guys my age in favor of older guys. That's just fine with me. I think having to wait to find what I'm looking for is to be expected since I'm surrounded by people I'm not attracted to. I mean, I don't see many guys over thirty looking to date a kid like me. And an abstinent one at that. Now that I mention it, I think I've narrowed my playing field considerably, haha. But I'll find that guy soon enough. All's well that end's well.

Indifference

2010-02-06T10:00:27Z

After re-reading my last post a while ago, I realized that it was the most honest I have ever been in my life. I think I want to be more like that all the time. Sadly, I cannot. Anyone who knows me knows that I'm an incredibly passive person. They also know that I have my thoughts and opinions, just like they do, but instead of voicing them, I let other people walk all over me. It's called the 'Social Contract':

"I've trained my people-pleasing skills like an Olympic athlete trains his muscles. My whole life is one big compromise. I tiptoe around everyone like they're made of china. I spend all my time analyzing what the effect will be if I say this, or what will happen if I do that."

Yeah, I hate that, and I'd like to change it. As Hope would say, I make 'Probability Branches'. Before I make a big decision, I weigh every option and map out every possible outcome until it drives me crazy. For example, I struggled with one simple decision for about six years now. I still can't decide whether the good possibilities outweigh the bad or if it's the other way around. Finally, I decided to just let it go.
I have realized something, though. When I get into an argument, the 'Social Contract' goes out the window. During that time, I mean what I say, and I don't spare the truth. Anyone that I have had a real fight with, I now can be totally honest with and they know exactly who I am. Which means that out of all of the friends I have, only three truly know me. Now, of course I'm not going to go around picking fights with my friends in hopes of bringing us closer. I'll continue being who they want me to be, true self aside. I could be wrong, but I think I have the friends I need.

On to other things, I don't quite know where I am with anything right now. Hence, the indifference. I'm not completely content, but at the same time, not nearly sad. I feel like my life hit a plateau or something. I just need to get through these next two months, and everything will be fine.
Rachel got me into Heroes. I don't tell her I think it's a really good show, but she knows. What she doesn't know, is that I love Bennett. I think he's my favorite, even though he's had his evil moments. Besides, he kind of looks like Anthony Head sometimes. I saw a movie he was in called The Landlady. It was surprisingly good.

I've got a lot to do tomorrow, so I should get some sleep.

Carrying My Heart To Healing Hands

2010-02-01T07:14:31Z

Not by a breaking of plans, not by an unmet expectation, and not by a boy. This isn't even the first time this has happened, but it hurts just as much every time. I don't know why it even affects me this way. Honestly, it has nothing to do with me. But I can't help what it does to me.

I trusted you. I believed in you. You destroyed my faith in you, but you have no idea and you never will. It doesn't even make any sense. You are everything that you say you despise. But you are a liar. You thought you were doing a good thing by keeping this from me, since you knew how I would take it. You could have just not done it, and been so much better. Instead, you chose to be this way and try to lie and hide it from me. Well, it didn't work. I never wanted to find out this way.

You are not the first, and you probably will not be the last. I wish that could make things better, but in reality it makes it worse. I thought you were better than this. It sucks that instead of being different or strong or honest, you fell just like everyone else. How am I ever supposed to look you in the eye again?

The worst part, is that I blame myself more than I blame you. You know why this hurts me so much? Because every time you do something like this, I don't just lose faith in you, I lose faith in myself. I feel like if I can't save you from this, what hope do I have of saving myself? Then when I see you, and what you've made of your life, I know that I could never be that way.

I want so desperately to show you what this is doing to you, because you can't see it. I want you to know that you can still be better. I want to trust you again. But I know that if I tried, you wouldn't take one word to heart, and I cannot fathom how much hurt there would be then.

So this is what it's like to lose hope. To truly lose the hope that you clung to like it was keeping you alive. As much as this is destroying me, I will come out of this stronger; suffer, to return harder. I refuse to give up. I cannot control you, I cannot stop you, I cannot change you. But you can, and I will not rest until you do.

Burn Out Brighter

2010-01-29T07:00:46Z

Today was interesting. I'm pretty excited that I got my TIP, which is a big deal for me because it marks the official end of my driving phobia, which apparently doesn't have a name. I just tried to look it up, and TONS of sites dedicated to that one thing popped up. Wow, I definitely could have used that two years ago...Oh well, license soon, car soon, all's well.

After going to my first class this semester, I realized how much of an utter moron I am. Here I was thinking, 'woe is me, I don't know what I want to do again', and as soon as the class got underway, my passion for recording came flooding back. I realized that is still what I really want to do, and that I should never doubt myself again.
This is just another thing to add to all the stuff that's been going on lately; all good things. It dawned on me today, as I was reading a friend's myspace surveys that conveyed just how unhappy she currently is, that I was feeling the total opposite. I am happy. Sure I still have problems, and concerns about the future, but none of that is getting in the way of my disposition. I don't quite know why I'm so content, but I'm certainly not complaining.

I've got some time to hang out in Flint this week, so I'm trying to give some time to everyone here. Tomorrow I'll be hanging out with CJ, and possibly Brian. Then I have to set aside some time to hang out with Tyler and, if I'm lucky, I'll get to hang out with Tim before I go home as well.

Things couldn't get any better.

Don't Lose Touch

2010-01-25T04:25:18Z

I think, just maybe, I have it figured out.

I know that I still want to study recording while I'm here. I still love it a lot, and I believe It's the career for me. The only difference between me knowing that before and now, is that I have realized it's not enough. I don't want to be confined to that one thing, because that's not who I am. I'm interested in all sorts of things, so I want an assortment of career paths that are just as eclectic and extensive as my interests. I want to dabble in everything, and display my talents in every area that I possibly can. Working in both music and film would allow me to use all of the creativity I have, try all sorts of new things, and I would always have a project going, which would be fantastic.

I stumbled across a website today for South By Southwest (SXSW); a festival for brand new musicians and filmmakers. I'd love to go, but that's not an option for this year, so I'll be there next year for sure. I think it would be awesome to submit a film next year, if it's possible. This has actually been on my list for quite a while now. I remember searching for film festivals for up-and-coming directors, in hopes that Rachel and I would take one of our ideas and turn it into a short film. We have a good chance now, so I'll have to run this possibility by her when she gets home.

I have to go up to the school tomorrow to see if I can get my two classes for this semester. I'm really hoping I can get them, so I can take a little off the load I'll have to deal with this summer. I'm still waiting on the jobs, but I'm doing my best to remain optimistic. I'm going home wednesday, and I'll probably stay for the week. I'm finally going to get my permit, and then I have the short wait until I can obtain my license. Also, I get to look at cars soon, so I should have one by the middle of next month.

Things are getting better.

All I Have Now Is Myself

2010-01-22T03:39:07Z

Good news: I'm feeling better. I should have realized by now, that whenever I get like that, I just need time. I can't just mellow out when I feel like it, I need time to adjust, and understand what I'm going through. In other words, I have a grip on my life now. I don't have doubts about what I'm studying; I know I can do it, and I'll be good at it. I'll probably keep feeling restless until I feel I start accomplishing more, and actually doing things with my life outside of school.

I am still developing a strong passion for movies, which is becoming a really cool thing. I'm still learing a lot, and expanding my view of things. I've got netflix now, which is like a godsend. I have a lot of indie films and documentaries on their way, which is my favorite type of stuff. Real life & learning; it doesn't get much better.

I've been applying for jobs down here, and now I'm just waiting to hear back. There are actually quite a few good places that are hiring, so I'm pretty optimistic. I'd really like to start saving up money for my next place, and to get some of the stuff I've been wanting. I'll also need money in the bank, because I'm getting a car soon. Finally. I'm excited because there are a lot of happenings outside of Ypsilanti that I would very much enjoy being a part of.

Things will get better.

Solitary Confinement

2010-01-16T04:07:27Z

I understand now, how it makes people go insane. I sort of enjoy it though, which also qualifies me as insane, I think.

Brian is coming down tomorrow to hang out. I guess it's going to be movie day no matter what we do, so that will be interesting. Then on Sunday, I'm going back to Flint with him so I can hang out with Tyler for a day. He texted me out of the blue yesterday saying how he missed when me and CJ used to hang out all the time, and I felt really bad since I've made plans to hang out with him more than once, but never did. So hopefully we will manage to salvage this friendship once again.

I suppose that what I have been feeling lately could be called anxiety, but I don't really know. I actually can explain how I feel, but I have no idea or explanation as to why I'm feeling it. I feel alone, but only because I choose to be. I feel lost, scared, and tired. I want this stage of my life to be over. I'm getting sick of not doing anything worthwhile. Every day that I spend here is a day wasted, because there is nothing productive for me to do here. I don't know how to change this routine. I need a path, I need a future. Problem is, I don't even know what I want that future to be.

Honestly, it's not up to me, I know that. I've been praying for some light to be shed on what my next move should be. I want Him to show me where I'm supposed to go, and what my life is going to be. But I think that in the back of my mind, I know I may not be ready for that yet. There's something that just isn't right, but I can't put my finger on it. I've been doing a good job of getting a devotional and some study time in every day, and my eyes are opened up to something every time. I believe it's just a matter of building the relationship and faith back up right now. He and I both know that I'm not good at keeping promises, but I'm working on it.

Things will get better.

Crawling In The Dark

2010-01-08T07:01:12Z

Just finished Craig Ferguson, now I'm watching Reno, but I think I'll turn in soon.

I've been able to catch up on QI a little bit in the past two days, and that's been pretty awesome. I haven't been able to watch it in quite a while, and I realized that I missed wacthing it and learning all sorts of neat facts. Not to mention nearly dying from laughter.
I've also been watching a different movie everyday, which I guess sounds kind of silly, but I think it's cool. In a way it's teaching me a lot about the production aspects of things, and behind-the-scenes look at what goes on and what goes into the making of films. I also dabble in every genre, and it opens my eyes to the different styles, techniques, and ideas used. The thing I think I'm most amazed by, are the storylines that people work up in their minds. Sadly, I think I feel a little less creative everyday.

Well eight days into the new year, I nearly caught a snag in the changes I'm making. Not really resolutions, because I've been working on this stuff for a while. I know that if I turn back though, I'll never forgive myself. I'm doing my best, and praying every day for strength. On the other side, I'll come out a better person. If not for anyone else, then for myself, and that's just fine.
I'm still feeling pretty restless about life and my future. I'm usually a pretty off-the-cuff person; up for for whatever at a moment's notice, but this is different. I don't need all of the answers, I just want at least a short term plan. Everything else can be tentative for now, I just really need some direction. The one thing that I do not want is to be stagnant and do nothing. I suppose the best thing to do would be to set all my options in front of me and weigh each one. Something tells me that I will find a way to muck this up.

Breathe

2010-01-04T08:06:33Z

Just got done watching Pulp Fiction, again. This time with the trivia, which was incredibly interesting. It was so cool to see how things that seem so insignificant upon first viewing had uch an important role in how the movie comes across to its viewers. I'm hooked on Quentin Tarantino right now; I'm just fascinated with the way he writes and directs. It's amazing how he blends so many different elements into one experience to create something you've never seen before, and that no one will ever re-create. That's what I want to do.
The trivia gave me a thought though, and I'm curious to see how far I can take it. I got to thinking about how t.v. & movie trivia, and just knowing things in general is pretty much my hobby. It's what I'm good at, and I love it. I tried to think of any sort of job I could get with that kind of knowledge, but I came up with nothing. (unless I turn out to be the next Ken Jennings on Jeopardy, haha) However, I got the idea to start a magazine, as a sort of tribute to that kind of stuff. Well, it would really be more like a "scene 'zine" because it would be very DIY. I'm not sure how I'll go about creating a layout; I need to decide a bit more specifically on the content I want to include first, Since I'm not making this just for my own benefit though, I'll have to do some research and see if there's even a market for that type of thing. It would hopefully end up being a labor of love, 'by the people, for the people', you know?

While I have some hope for this project of mine, it leads me to believe that I am continually drifting away from my original career choice daily. This was never my intention, but I cannot stop exploring all of these ideas in my head. So far, I have only been serious about two of these aspirations, and those ideas have ended up here for the time being, just as a sort of 'note to self'. I see these other ideas merely as side projects for now, as a break from my main goal. I suppose they could also create a safe fallback for me, if need be. I will always believe that music is where I belong, but I can't ignore these other opportunities that are calling out to me.

I'm still feeling that uneasy feeling from time to time. I want to say it's just the career thing, and maybe some boredom, but I feel like it's more than a little uncertainty and restlessness. I think I'm scared that I'm not able to put my finger on what this is, exactly. I still can't explain it in the slightest, but something weird has been happening. I don't think it means anything, but there have been a few times when I was just listening to music, and a song would come on that just stopped me in my tracks; made me drop whatever I was doing, and listen. It's like I was captivated, and nothing else was going on around me. It felt like total peace, but at the same time, I felt the uneasiness that won't go away. I'm not pressing for answers, because I know it will mean something to me soon, but I wish soon could get here just a little bit quicker.

I Don't Need A Soul

2009-12-31T08:01:23Z

It's 2 a.m. on New Year's Eve, and I'm listening to David Gray again, wishing that this moment in time could last forever. I'm at peace, and don't want to lose that.

This coming year is going to be something else. I already know that there will be plenty of trying times, and my future will pretty much be decided very soon. I'm still scared. I feel like I'm less certain of my decisions now, and I'm not sure how to go about getting any kind of direction.

I also feel some sort of 'emptiness' that I can't really explain. Since I've been home, there's been some relief since I don't have to worry about as much. I've seen and hung out with almost all of my friends so far, and as great as that has been, I'm finding that I would much rather be alone right now. I love my friends, but right now there's just something that I'm not getting from hanging out with them. It feels more like a job than something fun to do. Now, all of my friends want to hang out for New Year's, but all of them want to get 'crunk' and party, and that's not what I want at all. No matter what choice I make, someone is not going to be happy. I wish that wasn't the case, but for once that person is not going to be me.

Babylon

2009-12-27T08:00:17Z

I saw a program a few days ago that I didn't know had affected me at all until just now. I saw it on christmas eve, expecting it to be another bland variation on the nativity story. Instead it was centered around 'joy'. There were a lot of different elements that tied in with each other to ultimately ask 'what is joy?' and 'do you have it?' It seems that I have been asking myself these questions for the past few days, and now they have surfaced. I'm not happy.

The first thing that came to my mind was school. With one semester down, I'm relieved, but scared. I honestly believed that I had found what I wanted to do, but recently I've begun to feel like I should be doing something else. I have to change schools when I move back, and the schools that I have looked into don't have the program that I'm in now. I want to continue studying though, so I have a bit of a problem. So, I've been thinking about possibly studying something else, and I think I want to study film. It was a dream of mine once, and somehow I let it go, but like I said, there's some kind of fascination I have with it. I'll keep thinking for now,

I'm not happy with me. I've been letting myself down, and it's not anything new, but I need to grow up. I'm tired of making promises and excuses just to turn around and mess it all up. As Kurt would say, I've been 'writing my own story'. I want to give my life over for good. I'll never forget how it felt to be able to let go and know what it meant to be free. I decided to try and take my life back, but all I did was get out of control. In my eyes, at least. My calling is waiting.

'As I look back on what I thought was living, I'm amazed at the price I chose to pay.'
'I'm scared I can't do this on my own, but no one ever said a word about being alone. Palms to the sky, this is my confession.'

Just Thought To Say

2009-12-19T07:51:08Z

Today was fairly uneventful. I went with my sister to look at apartments for next year. It looks like we're going to be moving in together when our current leases are up. That is, if I don't end up living with another one of my friends. I don't really see that happening though, since the majority of my close friends moved away from home. I suppose I still have a few months to figure it out though, so it's not too big a deal right now. I did a ridiculous amount of trivia reading on IMDB today, which was very interesting. I think that's what put the idea of writing a screenplay in my head today. It has become a life goal of mine. The movie industry is beginning to fascinate me greatly, and I want to try to have a part in it. I know I could do a lot of other things to get involved, but I know that this would make me much more proud of myself as a result of its completion. I have no idea what I'd like to write about, because I feel like I have nothing to say. - Writing about my life would be pointless because, while my experiences would certainly be widely identified with, nobody wants to pay to watch a boring life when they could live their own for free. Some sort of documentary would be a lot of fun though. I guess with my love a satire I would end up writing a mockumentary instead, right? - Rachel and I talked once about turning fanfiction into movies. I don't know how we would make it happen, but we would be rich heroes if we figured it out, that's for sure. - I just had a thought to try a book-to-movie adaptation of one of my favorite books. My first thought was 'The Last Book In The Universe' because it's the book I know the best, and it would be a lot of fun to make. Also, 'The Gunslinger' and "The Hippopotamus' are screaming to be made into movies. At least in my head they are. I'll think of something, I'm sure. I've got a few friends to help me along the way, so maybe I'll be able to turn it into something. At least I know my roommate will be a famous director someday, and she'll have to pick up my project.

I'll Be Home For Christmas

2009-12-17T08:23:46Z

The official end of my first semester was today. It was a pretty good time, and I'll be excited for next semester when the time comes, but for now I'm glad to be home. Hopefully all of my friends are coming back to town so we can all hang out. I finally got to go to youth group today, after what seems like forever. I guess we're going to have our 'Game Day' again for New Year's, so that should be fun. The annual Christmas Party is this weekend, and I'm excited about it, for once. It's weird to be a guest in your own house.

With the semester over, I've been thinking over my goals and re-assessing what's important to me, to make sure I'm still on the right path. I'm still very satisfied with my career choice and with my school, but that still isn't stopping me from being scare of the future. I suppose that's justified though, because most people are worried by the unknown. It's probably just because I haven't decided between live sound and recording. I'm definitely leaning towards recording, but if I could find a way to do both, I would be happier. I'm not sure how the recording studio is going to get started, because it kind of needs space to be created in, and I'm lacking that right now. Space could always be rented, but I like the idea of working from home a lot more. I suppose that's not really an option right now though, huh?

In totally random news:
Rachel and I are Trekkies now. I think it's pretty funny that in this 'day & age' kids like us can become part of a craze that began 33 years ago. Yes, it's silly, but as we say, 'Have you seen Spock and Kirk? Hello!'
I've started watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer as well. Don't blame me, blame Giles! (Have you seen Giles?) Now I understand why guys think librarians are so attractive, haha. This one can sing though.

Like I said last time, I go back and forth between feelings. Now would be the 'I couldn't possibly tell him now' time. I almost feel like saying I hate this would be an understatement. That sounds so dumb, but it's true. I don't like the fact that I can't decide how I feel because it's always changing. If I could put this behind me, I would gladly do so. Unfortunately, I can tell that this is going to be one of those times when I get so fed up with feelings that I just blurt it out one day, and end up screwing myself over and ruining a friendship. Not that it matters a whole lot, because it's feels like there's not much of a friendship now anyways. I'll always say that it's my fault, because it probably is. Is it the distance that changed things? We were close for a while, and that was great. That was enough for me. Once that was gone though, I wanted it back, but with interest. I want more now. Too bad, I guess.

Thanksgiving And Such

2009-11-27T07:34:13Z

House Marathon on right now, and I have to get up in three hours for Black Friday shopping. That may not go over well.

Today was pretty cool. Hung out with CJ all day, watching old movies and playing games mostly. We were beating each other up all day too, which was also fun. We're so weird. I didn't cook at all this year, which was kind of weird, but I did lots of dishes to make up for it.

Talked to Brian a little bit. Apparently he wants to move in with me and Rachel because school isn't going so well. I'll have to run it by her tomorrow, but I guess he might be staying with us for a while. It's kind of funny because the other day Rachel and I had a conversation about whether or not we could live with Brian.

I'm going Black Friday shopping with mom, Jennifer and Grandma in a few hours. It's tradition for them, so it will be kind of cool to be added and keep it going. Hopefully things don't get too crazy, I know how people can get when they really want something at a store. Besides, I'm not afraid to take 'em out, the mosh pits have taught me well, haha

- - - - - - - - - -

I've been on about this for a while, but not so much lately. You know that boy I mentioned before? Well, he's still on my mind sometimes. Since I moved away from Flint, there has been nearly nothing to remind me of him while I'm in Ypsilanti. I don't think about him, talk about him, or even dream about him. But when I come back, when I get anywhere near him, everything changes. The feelings I once had that I thought I was over get sparked all over again, and he's all I can think about. I promised Hope not too long ago that I would reveal all of these thoughts and feelings to him, but for every time that I'm certain I want to tell him, I just as soon change my mind and become convinced that he can never know. I really do want to let him know, but something stops me every time. This has never been as hard as it is with this person. If it were any other guy, I would have no problem telling them how I felt. But with this guy, something is different. There's something about him that makes me want him, but at the same time makes me feel like I could never have him. I'm lost. I just want some sort of direction as to what I should do about this. I want resolution. I want him.

My Town

2009-11-27T06:55:42Z

Today was pretty stellar. I was with Hope nearly all day, which is always good. We did tons of running around, but it was great. We started the day at the High school, playing with all three bands. We got to visit a few teachers there as well, so that was nice. After that we went with mj over to Randels to play with the fifth graders for a bit. All I can say is wow. We then went over to the Middle School and played with the eighth graders. We visited a couple more teachers, and then found Tim and talked to him for a little while. All in all, great day.
I guess things are getting really good for Hope and Jason, and I'm really happy for her. I don't really have a chance to meet the guy and approve, but if he's good enough for her, he's good enough for me.

I went to Electric Chair with Cami, Greg, Rachel, and Jake tonight. We have way too much fun when we're together. Cami got her tattoos, 'hope' and 'love' on her arms. She was really nervous at first, but it wasn't as bad as she thought it would be. We're going again saturday so Rachel, Angie, and I can get our work done. I guess Jake is going to get a tattoo that day as well. Then the party is later that night. Busy day, but it should be fun.

Almost Blue

2009-11-25T08:06:15Z

Watching the Colbert Report. Did you know he can sing? He sang 'Cheap Reward' with Elvis Costello, and now I'm in love with them both. Can't get the song out of my head either. Which reminds me, I really miss my guitar. I bought some new strings because my old ones were pretty dull, and I can't wait to try them out. I've been learning a ton of songs so I can join the praise team when I move back.
I'm becoming inspired to start writing songs again, since I know how to record things properly now. I would love to be able to create entire songs with me playing everything. At least I know I'll be getting exactly what's in my head into the song.

I'm back in Flint now, for Thanksgiving break. I've most of my old friends, so that's nice. Hopefully we can all get together for the party next weekend, and just hang out like old times. I wonder if we'll do a Christmas party this year as well, since most of us will be home for that too. I guess I'm going to Electric Chair on Wednesday with Cami, Rachel, and Angie. Cami wants to get her tattoos before she leaves. That means we will probably go again on Saturday, because the rest of us don't want to spend Thanksgiving in a lecture or a fight, but we will see.

It seems like a lot of people around me, along with myself, are unsure of their future. We all had such big dreams, and a plan for how to achieve them, but life is getting in the way. Most of the problems stem from money issues, and not being able to support ourselves. Some of us are suffering from a lack of passion. What we once were so sure that we wanted, we now second-guess ourselves and wonder if that's what we were destined to do or whether we are missing out on something.
I can sympathize with both conflicts, but the second one hits home more. I know that sound engineering is the field that I want to be in, but I just cannot decide between live & recording. They both fascinate me, but each have their downside. With recording, I can work for myself and at my own pace, and I can work with the music I want. But even though I'm a bit of a perfectionist, the fine-tuning and small details would be so insane to deal with. In live sound, I could still work with the music I want if I'm lucky, and I wouldn't have to worry as much about getting work. Problem is, the pressure of big shows would probably kill me. I would love to get a regular gig at a club or venue, so I would only have to deal with so much at a time. There are plenty of other jobs in those fields that I am looking into, but it usually comes back to those two things. Not to mention that there are a lot of other things that I am capable of and would love to do, but I don't know if they would work out. I'll keep working on that.

Disconnected

2009-11-09T07:32:50Z

I'm getting sick again, it's not too fun. It's nothing too serious, just sinuses and stuff. I should probably be asleep, but I don't feel like sleeping just yet. I've got class tomorrow, just self-management. We're still doing the 'show-and-tell' thing. I haven't played yet, but I think I will wednesday. I really need to practice. It's not like I really need to show off or anything, but I'd rather go in with the songs memorized than have to lug in a stand or something. Plus, it would make me look better. I've decided on playing the Bozza Aria, and the second movement from Jekyll & Hyde. I figure both songs have just the right balance of lyrical and technical that I'm looking for.

Impatience is beginning to creep up on me as I wait for the next few weeks to arrive. I just want to get to the fun, honestly. I know it's not too far away, so it's alright. Besides, the days tend to fly by when I have class anyways. I'm anxious to get back to church as well. This is the longest I have ever been away from my second family. My wednesday nights and sunday mornings just don't feel right when I don't get to see them and fellowship. I really hope that they are doing well, and finishing up the room the way they want it. I feel like I should be there, helping out and stuff. A part of me is missing, really, and I'm excited that I'll get to see them again soon.

Fall

2009-11-08T09:05:23Z

Not a lot has been going on the past few days, but that's alright. I'm trying to catch up on writing so I can finally update my fanfiction story. I got into writing again recently, and I've been updating kind of sporadically. I don't have writer's block, it's more like writer's apathy. I get some ideas that I think are pretty good, but then they get lost in translation between my brain and the paper, so I get frustrated and give up. Meh, I'm working on fixing that.

It's finally November, which means my birthday is coming up. Not just any birthday, mind you, it's #18. I wasn't planning on doing anything, but my friends aren't having that. Lots of plans are being made, and I'm actually pretty excited. Hope wants to go out, so that will be interesting. Rachel wants me to get my tattoo, but I still haven't decided yet. She was also talking about lip piercings, and that is a definite possibility. I suppose the only question is: snakebites or no snakebites? We will see.

I told Hope that, in regards to a particular person, I would finally resolve my feelings for them on my birthday. I made a promise this time, and there's no turning back. There's no reason to let this go on anymore.

I'm also excited because Eddie Izzard will be in the area in January. I HAVE to see him. Rachel already said that she wouldn't mind going, so it's on. I can't wait!

Halfway Home

2009-11-04T07:34:42Z

Today was another crazy Tuesday, but it was a lot better than usual. Audio Tech is getting interesting. We all had a mini-test today on pulling up signal for mixers and in ProTools. I was nervous, but I got over it, and I did really well. Next week we start actual recording, and learning how to mike instruments correctly. He picked the song for us, so we will be doing our rendition of 'Hit Me Baby, One More Time'. It's going to be hilarious. We get to do everything ourselves from arranging to playing to mixing and mastering. I'm going to write my arrangement this weekend, and hopefully the class will choose it.
Sequencing was actually a success today. We had to compose music to a movie that was playing in the background. The movie was 'Tin Man'. It was some sort of spin on the 'Wizard of Oz' story, but I didn't pay much attention because I pretty much had my song when I got to class. It turned out pretty well, and I even let him hear it.
We started our workbooks in Sound class, nothing crazy. It's going to be fairly easy, so that's nice. We have an opportunity to gain a little experience in December before we leave for winter break. We are running sound for the Jazz Orchestra, Top 40 Combo, and Johnny Lawrence. I hear it's supposed to be a pretty entertaining time, plus I could use some experience, so I'll be there. You better believe I'll be hooking up the bass, haha

I suppose the only other news is that this is going to be a fantastic few weeks that are coming up soon. My birthday, Thanksgiving, I'll finally be able to see friends and family all together, and Christmastime. I got to thinking about it today, and I never really realized how much I love Christmastime. Not necessarily the holiday itself, even though it has its importance, I just really love the atmosphere and attitude of people and places around that time. Not to mention, the music holds a special little place. I think it's because it's really good music, and you don't get overloaded with it all year. And even though there are only so many songs, there are a mindcluster of covers and remixes that keep those songs exciting and timeless.

Halloween

2009-11-02T08:02:34Z

The shadow cast last night was awesome. Repo! and RHPS on the big screen was definitely a must-see. The troupe was amazing as well, all great actors and actresses, and incredibly hilarious.

Today was kind of a lazy day, but I learned something. Back in February, Hope and I rode back from Hope College Honors Band together. During that trip, we had a lengthy conversation about our preferences in males. I was suprised that we both agreed on being attracted to gentlemen older than ourselves. A lot older. I always believed that I was alone in feeling this way, in my group of friends at least, so I never told anyone in fear of being ostracized. But imagine my suprise when I found that a close friend of mine felt the same way! One thing that we couldn't figure out though, is what brought about those feelings in the first place? Why do we feel this way?

Well, I was surfing the internet today, trying to figure that out. Now I am finally able to put a name to my 'affliction'. I am a Teleiophile, I found a bit of information about teleiophilia on sites dealing with paraphilias, but the results were disappointing for the most part. I did find, however, the livejournal of a fellow teleiophile, and she's pretty awesome. It's nice to know that I'm not alone. I know that my friends will never understand my love of Anthony Stewart Head or Craig Ferguson or Richard Belzer, but I feel a little less crazy about it all.

I called Hope up today, to let her know what I found out, and just to talk in general. She really got a kick out of it, and it got us talking about her and Jason, and me and we-know-who. It;s kind of funny that we both happen to be chasing after those two men at the same time. I was really glad to talk to her tonight. Somehow we always happen to reminisce, and every conversation puts a smile on my face. I miss that kid way too much.